The Leaf - Originally published to Facebook 11/12/2021

This simple leaf floated to the ground in front of me on a walk today. The picture does not show the true beauty or the lessons it taught. The colors are vibrant and gracefully blend into the next on the spectrum. The jagged edges would make a seamstress jealous of the intricate design.

I have not kept secret my waves of depression for the past year. I have kept hidden the depth of the catatonia that arrived a few times. I felt no need to share. I knew it would eventually pass. It always lifts. Once the darkness is gone there is a mad dash to crawl out of the hole and rapidly prepare for the next round of at least melancholia.

Normally a falling leaf would make me sad. I would sigh as I would feel sorry for the dead leaves and barren trees. I was wrong.

This leaf reminded me that its job is done. The tree needs to rest. The tree worked hard all year to provide for the leaf so it can produce oxygen needed for life.

Earlier this week I saw a TikTok from KC Davis that people truly do not get enough rest when we are supposed to be resting. Her hypothesis resonated with me. When I try to do a restful activity or just sit for a moment and clear my brain, the thoughts in my head are rapid fire. "You have a zillion things to do!" "You have to get caught up on X, Y, Z!" "You have energy, use it!" "The next mood shift will be with you soon, you have to get ahead of it." She said allowing those thoughts and dwelling on them is not resting! If this is true, the only time I rest is when I am in a deep, deep low. It's in those troughs where I no longer care and just sleep.

The leaf told me today that it was time for the tree to rest. It started work in the Spring and now it was time to prepare for a slumber so it can be ready for a beautiful Spring. All living beings have seasons.

As Facebook and Timehop reminders pop up in my phone, I see a journal of my life the past thirteen years. Boy do I have trends! Many are known to me, but not all. Some align with the natural change in seasons, some align with daylight, some align with weather, and sometimes mood shifts just happen. It could be I ate fast food all the week prior.

Meeting the leaf was destiny today. I was woefully depressed earlier this week, but functioning. I had a long conversation with a friend. He told me that if I lived near him he would drag me to his weekly walking/running group. I had previously mentioned my favorite thing in the world is to take a quiet walk surrounded by trees. I am in the longest period of time I had not walked at least 10 miles in a week's time since I started distance walking over a decade ago.

Many people who know me are aware I have a mantra of "Must Keep Mo

ving" instilled in me by my Dad. I have stopped moving at the level I need. Not completely, thanks to owning dogs, but definitely not doing what I enjoy. A nice long meditative walk of 3 or 4 miles is one of the many "shoulds" that is on my daily list.

I need to take about 8 prescriptions, swallow 10+ supplements, strength train, drink a gallon of water, eat unprocessed whole foods, do Yoga, use my brain zapper thingy, journal, sleep 8 hours, monitor blood sugar, watch my blood pressure, and walk every day just to have a chance of stabilizing the mood. It's overwhelming and tiring.

I am no different than the tree. It has to drink enough water, photosynthesize, hold on to its leaves in storms, expand the roots, and get fertilized. It's busy, too.

The big difference is that the tree rests.

This morning I woke up and said, "This is bullshit. You are doing the activity you love today!" So, I dusted off enough of the melancholia, took the drive that I hate right now (road closed) and took a long walk. When I got to my favorite part of the trail, I cried.

Amongst the beautiful trees I shed tears of grief and joy. I was happy to be on the trail, but sad because of too many things to share. It was a cathartic release.

I walked a little over a mile.

I rested. I was tired enough that I just enjoyed what was around me.

I walked another mile back to the car and met the leaf.

When I got home I thought about the leaf and did not turn on the computer. I allowed myself to not think about work, bills, dirty clothes, tangled hair, dirty dishes or trash that needs to go to the bin.

I rested.

Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com

Hi All,

I have a "new" friend. Around the same age we bond on mutual likes and experiences. The best part is he understands, to some extent, the wackadoodle synapses misfires in the brain. When he said to me, "I would drag you to my running/walking group if you lived closer", my heart swelled.

He recently shared with me that he played on repeat, after a tough work day, Bruce Hornsby's cover of "Black Muddy River." If you do not know the song, click the link and listen to it.

It is a song about keepin' on in spite of it all - especially age. As many of you know, that was my Dad's greatest lesson to me. #mustkeepmoving There are countless songs and prose with similar themes, but this song is one of my favorites as well.

I am often reminded by Miss Tappity Tap and others that I have a lot of tenacity. Miss TT recently confirmed for me that maybe yes some things are harder for me than others experience due to some physical and mental issues, but I keep on keepin' on with a smile on my face. I just need to allow myself to rest without guilt.

I broke today. A physical issue has been simmering and it boiled over today. The repercussion was enough that it impacted me in countless ways and zapped my mental health too.

When I got home I took a short nap, but when I started to wake up I got sick to my stomach - violently. As I laid back down I heard as plain as if I had pressed play the melody to "Black Muddy River", except I was singing a song of my own.

My song is always one of moving forward and staring down that bit of adversity. I wiped the tears from my eyes, shook off the shame, and got off the couch - all alone.

Much Love,

Kristi

Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com