The Leaf - Originally published to Facebook 11/12/2021

This simple leaf floated to the ground in front of me on a walk today. The picture does not show the true beauty or the lessons it taught. The colors are vibrant and gracefully blend into the next on the spectrum. The jagged edges would make a seamstress jealous of the intricate design.

I have not kept secret my waves of depression for the past year. I have kept hidden the depth of the catatonia that arrived a few times. I felt no need to share. I knew it would eventually pass. It always lifts. Once the darkness is gone there is a mad dash to crawl out of the hole and rapidly prepare for the next round of at least melancholia.

Normally a falling leaf would make me sad. I would sigh as I would feel sorry for the dead leaves and barren trees. I was wrong.

This leaf reminded me that its job is done. The tree needs to rest. The tree worked hard all year to provide for the leaf so it can produce oxygen needed for life.

Earlier this week I saw a TikTok from KC Davis that people truly do not get enough rest when we are supposed to be resting. Her hypothesis resonated with me. When I try to do a restful activity or just sit for a moment and clear my brain, the thoughts in my head are rapid fire. "You have a zillion things to do!" "You have to get caught up on X, Y, Z!" "You have energy, use it!" "The next mood shift will be with you soon, you have to get ahead of it." She said allowing those thoughts and dwelling on them is not resting! If this is true, the only time I rest is when I am in a deep, deep low. It's in those troughs where I no longer care and just sleep.

The leaf told me today that it was time for the tree to rest. It started work in the Spring and now it was time to prepare for a slumber so it can be ready for a beautiful Spring. All living beings have seasons.

As Facebook and Timehop reminders pop up in my phone, I see a journal of my life the past thirteen years. Boy do I have trends! Many are known to me, but not all. Some align with the natural change in seasons, some align with daylight, some align with weather, and sometimes mood shifts just happen. It could be I ate fast food all the week prior.

Meeting the leaf was destiny today. I was woefully depressed earlier this week, but functioning. I had a long conversation with a friend. He told me that if I lived near him he would drag me to his weekly walking/running group. I had previously mentioned my favorite thing in the world is to take a quiet walk surrounded by trees. I am in the longest period of time I had not walked at least 10 miles in a week's time since I started distance walking over a decade ago.

Many people who know me are aware I have a mantra of "Must Keep Mo

ving" instilled in me by my Dad. I have stopped moving at the level I need. Not completely, thanks to owning dogs, but definitely not doing what I enjoy. A nice long meditative walk of 3 or 4 miles is one of the many "shoulds" that is on my daily list.

I need to take about 8 prescriptions, swallow 10+ supplements, strength train, drink a gallon of water, eat unprocessed whole foods, do Yoga, use my brain zapper thingy, journal, sleep 8 hours, monitor blood sugar, watch my blood pressure, and walk every day just to have a chance of stabilizing the mood. It's overwhelming and tiring.

I am no different than the tree. It has to drink enough water, photosynthesize, hold on to its leaves in storms, expand the roots, and get fertilized. It's busy, too.

The big difference is that the tree rests.

This morning I woke up and said, "This is bullshit. You are doing the activity you love today!" So, I dusted off enough of the melancholia, took the drive that I hate right now (road closed) and took a long walk. When I got to my favorite part of the trail, I cried.

Amongst the beautiful trees I shed tears of grief and joy. I was happy to be on the trail, but sad because of too many things to share. It was a cathartic release.

I walked a little over a mile.

I rested. I was tired enough that I just enjoyed what was around me.

I walked another mile back to the car and met the leaf.

When I got home I thought about the leaf and did not turn on the computer. I allowed myself to not think about work, bills, dirty clothes, tangled hair, dirty dishes or trash that needs to go to the bin.

I rested.

Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com

Hi All,

I have a "new" friend. Around the same age we bond on mutual likes and experiences. The best part is he understands, to some extent, the wackadoodle synapses misfires in the brain. When he said to me, "I would drag you to my running/walking group if you lived closer", my heart swelled.

He recently shared with me that he played on repeat, after a tough work day, Bruce Hornsby's cover of "Black Muddy River." If you do not know the song, click the link and listen to it.

It is a song about keepin' on in spite of it all - especially age. As many of you know, that was my Dad's greatest lesson to me. #mustkeepmoving There are countless songs and prose with similar themes, but this song is one of my favorites as well.

I am often reminded by Miss Tappity Tap and others that I have a lot of tenacity. Miss TT recently confirmed for me that maybe yes some things are harder for me than others experience due to some physical and mental issues, but I keep on keepin' on with a smile on my face. I just need to allow myself to rest without guilt.

I broke today. A physical issue has been simmering and it boiled over today. The repercussion was enough that it impacted me in countless ways and zapped my mental health too.

When I got home I took a short nap, but when I started to wake up I got sick to my stomach - violently. As I laid back down I heard as plain as if I had pressed play the melody to "Black Muddy River", except I was singing a song of my own.

My song is always one of moving forward and staring down that bit of adversity. I wiped the tears from my eyes, shook off the shame, and got off the couch - all alone.

Much Love,

Kristi

Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com

Crisis of Faith Originally Published 11/30/21 on Facebook

"We are all creators." This statement was part of a beautiful verbal essay by the lady leading a local writing group yesterday. I immediately jotted down her statement and listened.

I am in the throes of a deep, excuse the overused phrase, "crisis of faith." I have been for quite awhile. My beliefs in G-d, a Higher Power, etc. are practically non-existent at the moment. I currently consider myself an agnostic that believes in the power of prayer and spreading good energy.

I think much of my current views are centered around many church leaders picking and choosing, and sometimes woefully misinterpreting scripture to suit their own needs. The politics screamed from pulpits angers me as well.

I do continue to believe, as my maternal Grandmother taught me, we all have a light within us. The Quaker teachings she learned as a child and passed down to me have stayed.

It is not within the church walls I experience a greater power or the peace many find beneath a steeple. It is looking at the stars at night or the falling leaves on a late fall walk that I seek answers to the existential questions.

This past weekend while heading out on a trail, I was breathwalking to Grateful Dead music interludes. For those that do not know, breathwalking is a form of meditation. Look it up on YouTube. I noticed about 1000 feet in front of me the familiar "S" shape of a crane or heron, but when I blinked it was gone.

I continued on my walk enjoying the crunch of the leaves and walking into the mist created by my respiration. After snapping a few pics of my destination I turned around at a little over mile into my walk.

On the hike back to the car I rounded a curve and found myself sharing ten feet of space with a gorgeous blue heron. We locked eyes for a few moments. Maybe we both blinked at the same time wondering what to do next. Within a second or two my new friend extended his wings straight from his body and pressed down the air- taking flight.

I watched the most wonderful creature I saw that day raise and lower his wings as his round belly and stick-like legs gracefully floated in the sky. He landed about 20 feet in front of me. Blinded by the sun I snapped some pics in the general direction.

To anyone I talked to that day I mentioned my encounter. To me it was a profound event to start my day. It was not something to be taken for granted. I saw a blue heron!!

When the writing-group leader mentioned "we are all creators" she extended that beyond artistic endeavors. She was also referring to a philosophy that we create our own universe in our lives every day.

She added to my faith practice with that simple statement. My light shines as bright as it can on some days, but it is always the star in the center of whatever I choose to create around me. Like G-d I will occassionally need rest, but all that is around me is what I create or choose to allow in my universe.

The blue heron that day brought me bright-eyed wonder and peace. I accepted its gift into my world. My light shined brighter spreading it out to others because of this simple gift. In many ways, I was testifying my own brand of faith.

Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com

Mental Health Awareness Day Rant

“Eighteen months is a lot of routine” is my favorite line from a movie. Cameron, in “Infinitely Polar Bear,” exclaims this to his estranged wife when asked to take care of their children while she attends business school. The thought of insuring the kids brush their teeth twice a day, attend school, and do their homework sends the protagonist into a panic. The first time I saw the scene, I thought, “Dude, I can relate.” I immediately bought the movie. If you are looking for a film that does a decent job of explaining the highs and lows of going in and out of depression, this movie resonates with me.

I recently told several friends I was glad I did not follow the socially acceptable path in life. The track ingrained in young girls that involves snagging a husband in college and moving to the suburbs by your late twenties. I am convinced I would be the same crap everyday, neutral clothes-wearing, wine drinking, pill addicted, suburban living, minivan-driving, suicidal mom. I thank the universe every day that I am not. I am just not wired to live in that much daily grind.

I rarely do anything the same way twice. Because of this quirk along with the possibly miswired synapses, I have often locked keys in cars more than average, left laptops at home more than average, and actually caused physical harm to myself more than average. Think about it. We all often run on autopilot. However, if you have not programmed the repeatable code into your brain...accidents can and do happen.

I know that I have the tendency to appear a tad eccentric. It does not help that I am continually looking for something new to keep my brain occupied to stave off depression. My saved Kindle list it an excellent example of my obsessions over the years. There was the time I downloaded every classic book I could find based off a list I saved from the eleventh grade, I had an era of wanting to improve my Spanish by reading primary grade books, and a brief span of studying everything written about World War II double agents. My current obsession is, for those that follow along, is quite apparent, stargazing and Greek mythology associated.

Unfortunately, depression and obsessions can get a little out of control. Sometimes the compulsions spin-off into bouts of paranoia. One winter, I was unable to touch doorknobs to the point that I would stand there until someone else opened the door. When our crazies get the best of us and impact our lives, we have to seek help, whether something as simple as some talk therapy, diet changes, exercise, or the dreaded medication.

I firmly believe in you should be a GLORIOUS you, but when our place in the world, or our reaction to society, put ourselves and others at risk, we must consider professional help. Many people do not seek additional care due to the stigma associated with mental illness. I am at the point in my life where I do not care what you think about the fact that I have depression or maybe get a little too happy. There are worse things in life to be. I am one of the most empathetic, kind, warm, and intelligent people you could possibly meet. Your issues with me are generally not my problem.

On the opposite end, but adding to the mental illness stigma is this need to diagnose someone who is not what people now refer to as “neurotypical.” I hate labels. My healthcare friends assure me that names are used for proper diagnosis and support. I just get concerned that sometimes folks want a label to be unique. Believe me. We are all special in our own way. If a person can function and contribute to society. Let’s all just agree to let them be their quirky self.

I really hope this year for Mental Health awareness we all just focus on accepting people for who they are regardless of if they are neurotypical or neurodivergent. We are all unique and deserving of acceptance. However, when you do see someone not entirely functioning in society, please lend an ear and offer support.

Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com