Finding the Rest of the Bagel and My Health

Hi All,

Thin bagels make me sad. I bought some in a misconceived effort to eat healthier, but now I regret my decision. No amount of added Everything Bagel Seasoning on top of my healthy fat of guacamole is going to make it better. I am missing the extra doughy girth. A thin bagel is just the skin of the delectable goodness. I must apologize to the Ashkenazi Jewish people and Poland for betraying the heritage of the bagel. Another lesson learned in trying to live healthier in order to not be itchy, tired, or whatever latest symptom of unhealthy eating is expressing itself that day.  I do not need to make myself unhappy by eating a thin bagel.

When I started paying more attention to my health fifteen years ago I white-knuckled my way through various stages of losing weight- it did not work. What finally worked and has helped keep weight off is allowing myself to eat all the things, but mostly in moderation. I stay away from binge foods. Granted, I still have the weight that should come off of me, but I was feeling better than I ever had. I still do as compared to before I started.

Something happened this past year that has made things a bit harder. My mother died, but that is not all of it. I cannot sit and concentrate for long periods of time. I am in pain most days for unexplained reasons. I am ITCHY! I have not gained weight, but my blood sugar is too high, my blood pressure needs to be watched, and my cholesterol numbers could be lower. Sometimes, I feel like I am back where I started.

When I started writing a decade and a half ago to share my journey it evolved from the good, bad, and funny of losing weight to also include mental health advocacy. Well, this time around we are going to include what no one wants to talk about. Menopause. It confounds me how even women do not want to discuss this. There is no shame in getting older! The gray-haired warriors of the planet do great things and can be healthy in mind, body, and spirit as they age. We may just have to change approaches as we get older. Men do as well. Their hormones change, too.

In a recent visit to Miss Tappity Tap, my long-time blog reader you might remember her she is still around and assisting, she voiced a half-baked idea that my physiology might have changed enough to require some repeat diagnostic testing of my mental health. Maybe I have acquired ADD or PDA along with my existing alphabet soup.  You know, I may have an additional diagnosis. I don't care what you call it, I want to feel better. She theorizes, and studies back her up, that as we get older hormonal and other aging chemistry changes play a part in mental health.

After inspiring myself by reading my own blog posts over the years, I decided enough is enough! I impulsively planned another half marathon. Yes, again. I have 40 weeks to train. I still walk, but I have yet to successfully walk beyond eight miles since my leg surgery in 2018. I believe this is a lack of proper training and want to try just one more time. This time I am going to do it like the first time I trained with Dr. Pita's help. I am going to focus for three-four months on nutrition and potentially losing weight. It is during this time I hope to re-establish some healthy eating habits and create new ones that align with this stage of life.

As part of my plan, I also am working on some mental health issues. Most of my ideas for this come from http://www.strugglecare.com. I really relate to her content and have found a lot of useful tips that have really helped me. She also is a big proponent of a lot of what we are taught is morally neutral regarding some of the daily tasks I struggle to complete. A messy kitchen does not mean you are a bad person, for example. It is a signal that something is wrong and you need a little assistance.

As I have done in the past I will write about how I am implementing or working on these new habits in hopes that it helps others. I love getting messages from folks regarding the topics. The support, questions, and vents do help me in countless ways. It gives me some accountability as well. I keep moving forward.

This is week one of the countdown to the half marathon. I have focused on water intake and doing something called "closing duties" per KC Davis (strugglecare.com). These are tasks I try to do every night to prepare myself for the next day. The lesson I so far have taught myself this week is that the bag of trash does not need to be full to be taken to the bin. Who knew?!? It's out of the house and makes me feel better. 

Take care my reader!

Until next time (I will probably be in the bathroom after drinking all this water)

Kristi

Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com

The Leaf - Originally published to Facebook 11/12/2021

This simple leaf floated to the ground in front of me on a walk today. The picture does not show the true beauty or the lessons it taught. The colors are vibrant and gracefully blend into the next on the spectrum. The jagged edges would make a seamstress jealous of the intricate design.

I have not kept secret my waves of depression for the past year. I have kept hidden the depth of the catatonia that arrived a few times. I felt no need to share. I knew it would eventually pass. It always lifts. Once the darkness is gone there is a mad dash to crawl out of the hole and rapidly prepare for the next round of at least melancholia.

Normally a falling leaf would make me sad. I would sigh as I would feel sorry for the dead leaves and barren trees. I was wrong.

This leaf reminded me that its job is done. The tree needs to rest. The tree worked hard all year to provide for the leaf so it can produce oxygen needed for life.

Earlier this week I saw a TikTok from KC Davis that people truly do not get enough rest when we are supposed to be resting. Her hypothesis resonated with me. When I try to do a restful activity or just sit for a moment and clear my brain, the thoughts in my head are rapid fire. "You have a zillion things to do!" "You have to get caught up on X, Y, Z!" "You have energy, use it!" "The next mood shift will be with you soon, you have to get ahead of it." She said allowing those thoughts and dwelling on them is not resting! If this is true, the only time I rest is when I am in a deep, deep low. It's in those troughs where I no longer care and just sleep.

The leaf told me today that it was time for the tree to rest. It started work in the Spring and now it was time to prepare for a slumber so it can be ready for a beautiful Spring. All living beings have seasons.

As Facebook and Timehop reminders pop up in my phone, I see a journal of my life the past thirteen years. Boy do I have trends! Many are known to me, but not all. Some align with the natural change in seasons, some align with daylight, some align with weather, and sometimes mood shifts just happen. It could be I ate fast food all the week prior.

Meeting the leaf was destiny today. I was woefully depressed earlier this week, but functioning. I had a long conversation with a friend. He told me that if I lived near him he would drag me to his weekly walking/running group. I had previously mentioned my favorite thing in the world is to take a quiet walk surrounded by trees. I am in the longest period of time I had not walked at least 10 miles in a week's time since I started distance walking over a decade ago.

Many people who know me are aware I have a mantra of "Must Keep Mo

ving" instilled in me by my Dad. I have stopped moving at the level I need. Not completely, thanks to owning dogs, but definitely not doing what I enjoy. A nice long meditative walk of 3 or 4 miles is one of the many "shoulds" that is on my daily list.

I need to take about 8 prescriptions, swallow 10+ supplements, strength train, drink a gallon of water, eat unprocessed whole foods, do Yoga, use my brain zapper thingy, journal, sleep 8 hours, monitor blood sugar, watch my blood pressure, and walk every day just to have a chance of stabilizing the mood. It's overwhelming and tiring.

I am no different than the tree. It has to drink enough water, photosynthesize, hold on to its leaves in storms, expand the roots, and get fertilized. It's busy, too.

The big difference is that the tree rests.

This morning I woke up and said, "This is bullshit. You are doing the activity you love today!" So, I dusted off enough of the melancholia, took the drive that I hate right now (road closed) and took a long walk. When I got to my favorite part of the trail, I cried.

Amongst the beautiful trees I shed tears of grief and joy. I was happy to be on the trail, but sad because of too many things to share. It was a cathartic release.

I walked a little over a mile.

I rested. I was tired enough that I just enjoyed what was around me.

I walked another mile back to the car and met the leaf.

When I got home I thought about the leaf and did not turn on the computer. I allowed myself to not think about work, bills, dirty clothes, tangled hair, dirty dishes or trash that needs to go to the bin.

I rested.

Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com

Hi All,

I have a "new" friend. Around the same age we bond on mutual likes and experiences. The best part is he understands, to some extent, the wackadoodle synapses misfires in the brain. When he said to me, "I would drag you to my running/walking group if you lived closer", my heart swelled.

He recently shared with me that he played on repeat, after a tough work day, Bruce Hornsby's cover of "Black Muddy River." If you do not know the song, click the link and listen to it.

It is a song about keepin' on in spite of it all - especially age. As many of you know, that was my Dad's greatest lesson to me. #mustkeepmoving There are countless songs and prose with similar themes, but this song is one of my favorites as well.

I am often reminded by Miss Tappity Tap and others that I have a lot of tenacity. Miss TT recently confirmed for me that maybe yes some things are harder for me than others experience due to some physical and mental issues, but I keep on keepin' on with a smile on my face. I just need to allow myself to rest without guilt.

I broke today. A physical issue has been simmering and it boiled over today. The repercussion was enough that it impacted me in countless ways and zapped my mental health too.

When I got home I took a short nap, but when I started to wake up I got sick to my stomach - violently. As I laid back down I heard as plain as if I had pressed play the melody to "Black Muddy River", except I was singing a song of my own.

My song is always one of moving forward and staring down that bit of adversity. I wiped the tears from my eyes, shook off the shame, and got off the couch - all alone.

Much Love,

Kristi

Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com

Crisis of Faith Originally Published 11/30/21 on Facebook

"We are all creators." This statement was part of a beautiful verbal essay by the lady leading a local writing group yesterday. I immediately jotted down her statement and listened.

I am in the throes of a deep, excuse the overused phrase, "crisis of faith." I have been for quite awhile. My beliefs in G-d, a Higher Power, etc. are practically non-existent at the moment. I currently consider myself an agnostic that believes in the power of prayer and spreading good energy.

I think much of my current views are centered around many church leaders picking and choosing, and sometimes woefully misinterpreting scripture to suit their own needs. The politics screamed from pulpits angers me as well.

I do continue to believe, as my maternal Grandmother taught me, we all have a light within us. The Quaker teachings she learned as a child and passed down to me have stayed.

It is not within the church walls I experience a greater power or the peace many find beneath a steeple. It is looking at the stars at night or the falling leaves on a late fall walk that I seek answers to the existential questions.

This past weekend while heading out on a trail, I was breathwalking to Grateful Dead music interludes. For those that do not know, breathwalking is a form of meditation. Look it up on YouTube. I noticed about 1000 feet in front of me the familiar "S" shape of a crane or heron, but when I blinked it was gone.

I continued on my walk enjoying the crunch of the leaves and walking into the mist created by my respiration. After snapping a few pics of my destination I turned around at a little over mile into my walk.

On the hike back to the car I rounded a curve and found myself sharing ten feet of space with a gorgeous blue heron. We locked eyes for a few moments. Maybe we both blinked at the same time wondering what to do next. Within a second or two my new friend extended his wings straight from his body and pressed down the air- taking flight.

I watched the most wonderful creature I saw that day raise and lower his wings as his round belly and stick-like legs gracefully floated in the sky. He landed about 20 feet in front of me. Blinded by the sun I snapped some pics in the general direction.

To anyone I talked to that day I mentioned my encounter. To me it was a profound event to start my day. It was not something to be taken for granted. I saw a blue heron!!

When the writing-group leader mentioned "we are all creators" she extended that beyond artistic endeavors. She was also referring to a philosophy that we create our own universe in our lives every day.

She added to my faith practice with that simple statement. My light shines as bright as it can on some days, but it is always the star in the center of whatever I choose to create around me. Like G-d I will occassionally need rest, but all that is around me is what I create or choose to allow in my universe.

The blue heron that day brought me bright-eyed wonder and peace. I accepted its gift into my world. My light shined brighter spreading it out to others because of this simple gift. In many ways, I was testifying my own brand of faith.

Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com