As some of you might remember, I have been attending Physical Therapy for the past few months due to a second mishap with my dog, Calvin. If you do not remember, you may read about it in Calvin 2 vs Me 0.
Of course, my patellas do like to visit the side of my leg occasionally, but this time it was worse. Baby Doc (Primary Physician) and I decided the only thing to do was go to Physical Therapy or see the Surgeon. What I thought would be a couple weeks of physical therapy turned into over three months of it!
Since *I* had to attend therapy, Calvin did too!
Calvin was to work on several things for his rehab. He was to learn to hurl his body to the floor as soon as I say; "down!" He, for the most part, was to give me at least 3 inches of space when walking next to me. He also was to try to stop jumping on me when stressed or excited. He also was to learn a 2 minute stay. However, sometimes he throws a fit, as seen in the picture accompanying this post.
I was to work on much harder things! Have you seen the tortures they put you through in physical therapy?!? I only briefly wrote about the Physical Terrorist once. You may read about it here.
Well, I am happy to say that I graduated! Now the truth can be told (or my warped version of it), about the tortures that go on in Physical Therapy.
1) The Treadmill - Fortunately, I avoided this torture at all costs. Most of the time I was able to use the bike to warm up my muscles, but occasionally I had to use my nemesis. This one also gave me electric shock REPEATEDLY because I did not have any shoes on and kept touching the heart rate monitor. Apparently, the current was running straight through me!
2) Sleep Deprivation - Okay, even the most casual reader of my blog realizes that sleep is practically a hobby for me in the winter. Well, the best time for me to see the Physical Terrorist was at 7:00 or 7:45 in the morning. Ugh! One day, I fell asleep on the leg press machine for a couple of minutes when she went to do something on the computer.
3) Psychological Torture - Pittsburgh Steeler and Ohio State fans. Enough said.
4) The Deadbeats - PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE -- Physical Therapists need to eat, too. Pay your co-pay at time of visit. NO EXCEPTIONS. Also, do not blame the person calling to collect because YOU have not paid your bill. Sheesh.... On behalf of the staff, *I* wanted to slap some people.
5) Sensory Deprivation - After awhile, doing some of the exercises to strengthen the muscles means that you lose all feeling in other muscles while you are doing the repetitions! One day, I was doing an exercise called "The Bridge" and realized that my arm had gone numb. Well, it had gone numb because I was putting too much weight on my arms.
6) Contortionistic Standing - SUPPOSEDLY, this exercise is to help my IT Band. I still think I am on candid camera when I am trying to do it. Here are the instructions: put your right foot behind and to the opposite side of your left, taking your right hand bend at the waist and stretch your arm across your body. Feel the stretch. WHAT?!?!? Took me 2-3 weeks to get that one right.
7) No Name Torture - This one is so awful I do not know what to even call it! Well, apparently to heal muscles you must massage them and break down scar tissue? I guess that is what she was doing. Okay, so "ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch" was all I would think. I would then see her later in the week and she would wonder why I had bruises. Phhht! Sometimes she would get a little to close to my knee cap which would make me EXTREMELY nervous. COME ON! My knee likes to take a visit to the outside. One day, I saw an PT actually moving a patients knee cap. WHAT?!?!?! Shouldn't you have 4 years of specific certification for that!?!?!?
Ahhh, I make fun, but I did learn A LOT in physical therapy. I believe that when I finish the Half Marathon in a couple of weeks the Physical Terrorist deserves some of the credit. All of the staff are extremely knowledgeable, conscientious, and enjoyable to be around. I could not have gotten up to go to physical therapy if I did not think I was getting a lot out of it. Hopefully, I will never have to return, but in case I do...I know who I am going to call - whether they like it or not.
I cannot end this post without an update on Calvin's rehab
Well, last night he calmly tiptoed to me, providing the proper amount of personal space, and stole my sandwich. Using the new found strength in the muscles around my knee, I lunged at him and got my sandwich back in the blink of an eye.
Me - 1 vs Calvin - 2
Til Next Week,
P.S. I am working on a different way to update you all on my goals. It just doesn't flow right in the middle of telling a story.
Originally published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com