Note: I am typing up the following as a therapeutic endeavor for myself. Empathy and comments are not needed I just need to “get it out there” so I can move forward with what needs to be done.
After looking at my weight loss over the last couple of months, I must say it is non-existent. I am slightly disappointed in myself about this development. Not because I have not loss pounds, per se, but because I am finding it hard to do EVERYTHING that is required to be healthy and be in fat-burning mode.
I was doing well regarding eating the appropriate number of vegetables, fruit, and other good stuff until I started preparing for the Mini Marathon. Therefore, when my activity level increased my eating habits got worse - not as bad as they USED to be, just not as good as the prior months.
While training I also am tired all the time, and I do believe a little stressed. I have been looking forward to the challenge of the Mini Marathon since I sent an e-mail out to some of my friends last March in an effort to hold myself accountable for learning to take care of myself. There is no doubt I am doing better, but I have a long way to go in order to make some habits part of my psyche.
Sometimes the idea of watching what I eat and exercising every day seems overwhelming when work and other life duties get in the way, but I do have to remind myself that it will be really overwhelming if I suffer from diabetes or have no cartilage in my knees when I am older due to poor lifestyle choices. Some days I am able to do everything I need to do and some days I am not.
A couple of weeks ago I had an appointment with Ms. Tappy Tap (the EMDR Social Worker) and she mentioned that maybe a mood stabilizer might help. She said it will help keep me level and not dip down into depressions and up into anxiety so often. It is important for me to realize that not only do I have these moods, they impact my life when they are out of control. I promised her I would speak to Dr. Pita about it.
Last week, I had my appointment with Dr. Pita and told him of her suggestion. He shocked me by saying; “Well, now you have two people that think you need a mood stabilizer.” He was referring to Ms. Tappy Tap and the Clinic Social Worker. I am not really sure how he feels about it. I have a general idea, but he was careful not to remind me of his opinion (grin). You see, Dr. Pita and I have had this discussion regarding my moods several times because apparently I cannot hide them well. This is why I am to take so much fish oil and flax oil. He and I also know that I had been told this at least twice in the past before I ever stepped into the clinic.
Unfortunately, Dr. Pita did not realize that when he was yammering on and on that what I was hearing was that no matter how good I eat or how much exercise I get there is nothing I can do to gain control of my depression, anxiety (they do not think I am always anxious, but that is how I refer to this particular mood), irritability, occasional paranoia, and irrationality. This was devastating to me. I felt that he was saying it was entirely out of my control. I then started thinking; “Why isn't everything that I have done so far good enough? What am I doing this for? I thought if I ate healthy and exercised everything else would fall into place, why isn't it?"
Mood stabilizers are a tricky thing with consequences to the kidneys and liver if not monitored closely. Sometimes even with monitoring there can be long term affects to the body including weight gain and liver/kidney/thyroid problems. It is this knowledge that I had as he was speaking. My mind kept spinning with; “I cannot do all this work and then gain the weight back. It has been so hard!”
I can look at the family tree and see the ramifications of what happens if I do not do anything. It is scary to think that I could end up like “them”.
So, I decided to use the lesson from the Never Settle Walk and fight back. I AM going to do everything I need to do. I AM going to eat right. I AM going to put myself on a schedule. I AM going to make sure to take all of the fish oil. I AM going to meditate and exercise daily. I will not be perfect, but I will be better. I will do what I need to do and only until EVERY alternative is exhausted will I even consider these drugs.
Originally Published to http://kristiasher.blogspot.com